Cringing  here on this trip down memory lane – the very one that includes my most embarrassing depressed mom moments. And just realizing that, unfortunately, there’s more than just a few of these memories.

Now this could be a woman thinking about her most embarrassing depressed mom moments!

But anyhow.. I was the depressed mom of two young children. Married but pretty much on my own – especially when it came to caring for our girls. (I bet at least some of you can relate lol). And things got a little messy at times. Or even a lot of the time if I’m being honest.

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Embracing the wisdom of hindsight here. And I’ve decided I want to share about those embarrassing things I did while depressed.. more specifically, when I was a depressed mom raising my toddler and pre-school aged girls.  Because I know some of you are struggling through the same kind of situations. And me myself.. I’ve always felt just a tad bit better after hearing other people’s stories and knowing we could commiserate. Somehow that makes me feel a little less alone. And I don’t know about you, but sometimes I learn from others’ mistakes.

And so, I guess, here goes nothing!

Now these two know how to commiserate! And I know all of us depressed moms can do the same 😊

My one and only (thank god!) depressed “soccer mom” moment

So, yes, I was a depressed mom. Worse yet, I was a depressed stay-at-home mom.

Getting myself out of the house on my own really threw me. And venturing out with two tiny tots in tow? Like moving mountains and herding cats – at the same time! I’d turn into this grumpy drill sergeant mom as I rallied my little troops to get uniformed, out the door, and into the clod-hopping SUV.

This little guy’s face reminds me of the response I’d get from my pre-school-aged daughters when I tried to rally them out the door!

But an intense fear of earning the Bad Mom Scarlet Letter of Shame somehow pushed me out the door again and again. In fact, that fear actually moved me to sign the girls up for every stinking activity I could think of. Gymboree. Toddler finger painting. Ballet. Pony camp. Story hour. Swimming lessons. Gymnastics. Makin’ Music. Piano lessons. The list goes on and on, AND it includes little league soccer.

Yep. For a brief time, I was a soccer mom. And it was in that era that I lived through one of my most embarrassing depressed mom moments.

During my brief time as a soccer mom, I lived through one of my most embarrassing depressed mom moments.

Right from the get-go, I didn’t fool myself. I knew my soccer mom career wouldn’t go on for too long. I understood that I’d never watch one of my girls kick a last-minute goal to win the World Cup. (That one’s kind of obvious.) And I sure wasn’t counting on any soccer-related college scholarships. In fact, I didn’t even think I’d see either of my girls play in a middle school soccer game. Both preferred the bench to the field. And so, I was never one of those moms who hovered over the sideline screeching. Not even close.

Err.. well.. except for that one time. And yep, there it is.. That time is one of my most embarrassing depressed mom moments. And sadly, I wasn’t trying to motivate my child. I was having it out with the volunteer mom soccer coach instead!

At the time, I was sampling yet another new anti-depressant medication to stabilize my mood. But it was one of those anti-depressants that did the opposite. Bam! That little pill turned me from a sad, grumpy depressed mom into a miserable raging lunatic. And as I was weaning myself off that mood killer, things got even worse. But throughout that craziness, I continued shlepping my girls off to little league soccer practice.

I mostly kept to myself at little league soccer practice. Well, until that somewhat disastrous day at least. So, there I was. Miserable me hovering around the sidelines. Grimacing as my younger daughter whined for a snack. Dreaming about hopping on a Greyhound with a ticket to “Anywhere that Nobody Can Find Me,” USA. And watching my older daughter sit on the bench for the entire practice.

Sitting on the bench for the entire practice!!! What the… Bleep!!! Outrage consumed me. It was practice for Christ’s sake. Not a game. Not even a scrimmage. Even the crappiest players should get to practice!!!

My daughter once sat on the bench for an entire little league soccer game! And that situation led to one of my most embarrassing depressed mom moments. I know, I know..

Just a quick note before I continue with this story.. I’m a quiet person. People often use the word “sweet.” (At least the ones who don’t really know me 😊) Others have called me “mousy.” (And I really hate to admit that last one.) I sat through my entire academic career afraid to raise my hand in class, even though I knew the answer. And I never raise my voice in public. Now I’m not proud of all these traits. I’m just saying.

And so back to my embarrassing depressed mom moment. Soccer practice was wrapping up. And my daughter hadn’t set foot on the field. This! After I truly struggled to shoo the girls out the door and pack them into the car to get to that practice. I was wholly pissed.

Fueled by that jagged little pill, I stomped right up to the volunteer soccer coach and told her where to shove it. And I’m afraid to say I had a lot to say on that subject.

I surely don’t remember my exact words. Selective memory is real, people! I just know they weren’t kind. And they driven by temporary insanity.  I even may have dropped the f-bomb a time.. or two. And I’m pretty sure I ended the uhh.. conversation.. by saying that I’d be transferring my daughter (who loved soccer, lol!) to another league.

Again, my memory fogs up a bit when I’m remembering this most embarrassing mom moments. Who wants to remember something like that, am I right?  But I’m pretty sure that really was the last time my daughter set foot on that soccer field. And maybe that wasn’t too overly melodramatic, since the season was almost over. But still.

The Lessons that Depressed Mom Moments Can Teach Us

Looking back on this embarrassing depressed mom moment brings one word to mind: Oof. But it also reminds me how important it is for depressed moms to give themselves some grace and embrace self-compassion. The mom job challenges every woman who takes it on. It can really give you a run for your money.

It’s so important for all moms and especially depressed moms to give themselves a little grace and practice self-compassion.

And depressed moms must leap over even higher hurdles as they trudge toward the finish line of each and every day. Anti-depressant medications often work wonders. But at other times they can change us into the kind of person we’d never want to be and turn us into strangers to our families and even to ourselves.

I’m pretty sure I’ve shared this in at least one other blog, but here I go again.. One of the best descriptions I’ve read of depression comes from Writer and Activist Glennon Doyle:

“Depression and anxiety are body snatchers that suck me out of myself so that I appear to be there, but I’m really gone. Other people can still see me, but no one can feel me anymore — including me. For me, the tragedy of mental illness is not that I’m sad but that I’m not anything. Mental illness makes me miss my own life.”

Thank you, Glennon. Because that is So. Very. True.

The Aftermath of Embarrassing Depressed Mom Moments

At this stage in the game, I can laugh about this embarrassing depressed mom moment. I forgive myself, too.

And I just want to say that if you’re a depressed mom suffering through some embarrassing depressed mom moments, you should do the same. You’re doing the best you can while struggling through a debilitating and serious mental health condition. Keep on going! And know this.. you really can heal. For a little more about that please visit annedeleeuw.com.

P.S. Btw, I was more than a little anxious about running into that coach. For years! And I don’t think I ever have. Or I didn’t recognize her. Or vice versa. But if I did see her? Meh. I’m finally over it. Those embarrassing depressed mom moments don’t have to haunt you forever. Eventually you’ll just carry on and do your thing.